Sunday Afternoon Randomness

Quick thoughts...this is not another fill-in-the-blank list...

1. I started my locs. I have a pic or two but I dont want to put them online because I'm not 100% use to the look yet. Dont get it twisted, I'm happy with it. Its just not what I'm accustomed to seeing. HOwever, I didnt cry like I did when I cut my hair before so it must be ok.

2. I finally got a free copy of Fiona Apple. That makes me real happy. I'm sure I'll buy it eventually, but free for now is good for me.

3. I have had a headache since Friday morning when I got to work. I still have it. I just may be stressed.

4. I didnt get my new phone yet. The cell I have now only works sometimes. So, if you call please leave a message because I wont know otherwise.

5. Apparently people think Keva is crazy because of the stuff she says on her blog. Stupid people, that is her release. She is still quite sane. Can people vent occasionally without being insane? GEEZ. Its not like she threatened anyone with a bat (oh wait...except that one time in Adams Morgan...lol). Keva's great.

6. Everytime I go to lunch with my aunt I end up late returning to work. We went to Montgomery mall the other day for lunch. The electricity was out in the freakin mall. Just my luck right. When I stood up to leave, the lights came back on. 10 minutes late returning to work. DAMMIT!

7. I made like 3 outgoing phone calls today. That is 300% more than I normally make. No one answered the damn phone. This is why I dont waste my time. Wont make that mistake again.

8. I think I fell in love with art this month. Right now I'm on Cbabi Bayoc and Maurice Evans real hard. If I get a print for christmas I might just cry. Bayoc prints arent that bad really. So I might suck it up and buy a gift for my damn self.

9. Erin is coming back to the states real soon. It will be good to see my friend again. It will be even better to be able to actually call her.

10. The A&E show 'Intervention' is real good. Like, make-you-cry good. I watched 4 on-demand at like 4 in the morning (yes Hill...bat-style).

11. I am ashamed of my word usage and grammatical 'issues' in this post.

12. I had a crush junior year on this english major. He paid me NO attention. I saw him at Homecoming. He laughed at me when I waved and gave me this big hug. Tim decided to tell him I had a crush. I'm sad now.

13. I miss being able to sit at home and watch CNN and MSNBC all day. I missed the Scooter Libby thing. DAMMIT. I love political drama and I keep missing the good stuff because I'm working. Its not fair.

14. I have been in a real bad mood since Monday. I do know why I'm in a bad mood, but I dont know how to shake it. So now I have been accidentally treating men like shit again. Oops. I'm sorry (seriously).

15. April told me this guy I kinda have a crush on is a "cornball." Now, April decided to call me instead of im me just to tell me how serious it is. I was laughing hard. I am so much nicer than everyone I know.

16. I went into 'bitter black woman' mode on a dude for a sec. That was bad. To that guy, I'm REAL sorry for that. You asked a question and that was/is a raw topic. I'm working on that for real. Right after I got off the phone I realized that I do that occasionally. My emotions are way too up and down. But really I am just overly dramatic. (Oh My. did I admit that for real?!). Truthfully, I dont really give a damn about very much. I am bitter about that...but nothing else. And even when I do have a real emotion I generally keep it inside.

17. My seemingly erratic behavior makes me seem a lot different than I really am. I say wreckless stuff sometimes just cause I can. Meanwhile, I come off as a psycho. Imma start being honest and calm. No one is going to talk to me anymore though. I will be too boring.

17. Keva responded to my sex post. Matters of the Flesh or Not My Goodies Part II

Thats it. I'm done.

'"Matters of Flesh" or "Not My Goodies"

So, as some of you know, I have been having 'issues' with the whole idea of sex for awhile. I have done my best to avoid the act and the topic of conversation but apparently it is unavoidable. Anyways, maybe if I discuss them openly I will be able to get over it or grow from it or something. Someone needs to break out and 'drop some knowledge' (gotta love those horrid cliches) because I need it.

Topic 1: "I Dont Have Sex Anymore"

In July I met Keva's 'Special' (i will refer to him as Special from here on out). Special and his best friend (who I will refer to as Photo) met Keva and I at a bar/grill. They are/were cool. Good conversation...blah blah blah. Somehow (like always) sex came up in conversation. I responded to the conversation with "I dont have sex anymore." I'm sure you have all heard me say this and I was serious when I said it. It was/is the truth. Photo just didnt like that. Apparently I 'mislead' people. Photo mustve thought I looked like a slut. Moving on...Special later lambasted me about saying "I dont have sex" to people. (As a sidenote, this particular conversation has made me cry twice. I feel so misunderstood.) He said it pushes people away. Is he right? Or do I become a target? Do guys feel like they should just call to see if they can get me to do something with them (yea...that was just for you)? Or does it just further isolate me from the heterosexual male population.

Topic 2: The Ownership

Are you entitled to something because you have sex with someone? I used to think you did. And then I met him and I found out I was DEAD wrong. But when did sex become so casual? Am I the only person who associates feelings/emotions with the act? Why would you want to share your body with so many people like its not a temple? A friend's mother said that sex was a natural step in the progression from friendship to relationship. Is this true? Are people supposed to have sex with their boo before 'wifin' a person...like a test run? And if so, how do you know when you make that next step? Doesnt it just further blur lines?

Topic 3: Piercings and Sex

Ah yes. The most annoying part of my life. "Oh she got a tongue ring. She must like to give head." I dont get it...well thats not the truth. I get it a little. And even had a few thoughts about a few men I know with tongue rings (although I was more disturbed than intrigued). But, girls without tongue rings give head all the time. Dudes with and without piercings and things do just as much as dudes without. Lets take this a step further. We all know I had a moment in time where I got real deep into the whole 'body modification' thing but who cares? It means nothing...at least with me. What I have attached to me has what to do with who sees it? And if you dont know beforehand and then find out, do you assume I'm a slut just becasue of my rings and things?

...

So while writing this blog I decided that its not me. I'm not wrong for avoiding any sexual act with dudes who are flat out the worst or with any dude at all. If I am not appreciated for all that I am then you can BEAT IT. And feel free to tell me that is why you are walking away. I can deal with it cause I'm all about honesty. I dont give a damn that you are going to medical school (yep...you) or that you are 'fresh'. Those things dont matter to me. I like clothes but you take them off and exactly what are you left with? I like smart men but not if you are all about beatin it up and thats it. Thats not intersting. You (the universal 'you' that is), as a grown ass man should desire more from a woman than ass. What about support and conversation? What about friendship and compatability? And what is this crap about sexin before you will even kiss a chick? That is SO disturbing. Now, I'm not saying every relationship is meant to be some long lasting fulfilling situation. But damn...help me out here...I dont get it...

(HAPPY BIRTHDAY STINKY!!!!!!!)

Yet Another List...

E. Hill, in her own special way, told me she wanted me to do this...so here goes...Feel free to steal this and do it on your blog too...

I am not: friendly.
I hurt: when i fail at something.
I love: reading.
I hate: potato salad.
I hope: i get "Black and Blue".
I hear: my phone ringing and choose not to answer.
I regret: not going after things I wanted at Hampton.
I cry: when no one is watching.
I care: about my Mommy.
I always: stop talking when i'm mad.
I long to: write.
I feel alone: always.
I listen: to Keva's advice...even when it makes me cry.
I hide: my hurt.
I sing: in the computer room.
I dance: almost never.
I write: everything i possibly can...haikus...
I breathe: quietly.
I play: online games incessantly. I'm mad they blocked them at work.
I miss: him...but not enough to wish him back...
I search: for fulfillment.
I say: mean things without meaning to.
I feel: alone 99.98% of the time.
I succeed: at being compassionate.
I fail: at being friendly.
I dream: in verse. I see words instead of pictures.
I sleep: on my stomach soundlessly.
I wonder: if i'll ever be completely happy.
I want: a man around who isnt going to press me out about things I dont want to do. A man interested in my mind. I need that.
I worry: about my Mommy and Keva.
I have: 3 tattoos and 3 piercings other than my ears.
I give: good advice.
I fight: with words.
I wait: for the calls.
I am: so sweet and shy. Too bad it doesnt come off that way...
I think: Joshy is the greatest and he'll be by my side forever.
I can't: deal with liars or misleaders or womanizers. Its unnecessary.
I stay: trying to fix other peoples problems without considering my hurt.

Imma blog again tomorrow cause I actually did a real joint but thought Erin would appreciate this more...

About this 'Working' foolishness../Homecoming 2005

So everyone keeps asking about work and I keep responding "its a job what more do you want me to say?" or "i am tired of talking about it." The truth is, I really am tired of talking about it. No one asks me how I am or whats been going on anymore. Everyone is obsessed with this 'working' nonsense. So, I am going to talk about my job in this blog. It will probably never happen again so dont ask...

I work in Rockville at HHS. I dont actually work for the government, but I am contracted out to the dept. Its chill. I have a computer and a phone. What more do you need really? I have pics on my desk and an HU banner that I took from my mother. I have a sweater on the back of my chair and shoes in one of my drawers. You know...Black woman at work. I do a lot of things that I'm sure everyone will find extra boring so I'm not going into great detail about it. What I will say is that this job affirms my belief that I am smarter than most people wandering around the country. Being the youngest employee might be my only issue. The older folks dont seem to enjoy that I correct their errors. But hey, if they dont make mistakes then I dont have anything to fix. Too bad they CONSTANTLY make mistakes.

I'm tired when I get to work at 830 and tired when I leave at 5. I feel like I dont get enough sleep but cant force myself to go to bed early. Everyone keeps saying I'll get used to it. If I dont I might just die of exhaustion in the next couple days.

Homecoming

I enjoyed Homecoming this year. Definitely some memorable moments. Quick rundown of the weekend...

1. I am STILL not the wild girl that people think I am. I'm not a drinker. Not very social either. But I'm nice most days and I love my friends.
2. I realize that I only like wearing real high heels if I am actually going to be moving around. Standing in one place is a bust for shoes like that.
3. I realize that guys are just as jealous and controlling as women (as proved to me by my big brother who acted a damn fool when he saw me with Joshy - my 100% platonic friend - at the bazaar).
4. I have a shopping problem that is becoming uncontrollable. My friends should not feed into it.
5. Someone dear to me is leaving the area real soon and I am very sad. I mean, I'm happy that they are moving forward in life, but unresolved issues suck. I do not want to look back at this and be like 'what if'...
6. Trying to get into a party when there are a billion people at the door SUCKS. Imma have to say 'screw fashionably late' and be at the doors when they open and spare myself the drama.
7. A lot of people in a party does not equal a good party. If it is 1200 degrees its just not okay.
8. I love my tattoos when I'm dressed up and doing them justice.
9. This one guy who said some at least one not-nice thing about me ('tell your girl to get off my dick') just to make himself look tight is actually very stylish. He is real cocky...but well dressed just the same. If he werent a total asshole he might be attractive. But he is an ass...
10. Dudes think every girl is trying to get it beat up just because its homecoming. I'm not like that Homecoming or any other time. Dont text me dirty things and get mad when I shut your ass down.
11. I am WAY too concerned with privacy. Its not just a concern. It has become an obsession. I dont like anyone to know whats going on with me and anyone i'm 'dealing' with. I let that mess some stuff up while I was still at Hampton. But imma work on it for real. (I dont like being called 'overly dramatic').
12. I used to have a crush on this guy. Okay...Okay...I was in love with him. And though I'm not still in love with him, I still feel awkward when I see him. He always looks at me like hes thinking 'why is she always acting funny.' I hope I outgrow that foolishness. Its not cute.
13. Alex LeMaine sucks.
14. Joshy is the cutest ever. I'm so sad I dont get to see him more often.
15. I shouldnt hug guys who are taller than me. They smash my face into their chests thereby smashing my glasses into my face. Its not a good look.
16. I was real flustered at the bazaar because of Coney's behavior. Everythign after that moment made me look like I was a spazz.
17. Tongue rings dont suck.
18. Throwing eye glasses is not a smart idea.
19. I look younger than 22. I dont know why people think i'm 17 but apparently they do.
20. I love my HIU.

My Letter to You (and there are lots of you)

Since I've been told I am inappreciative, this blog is to all of those I care about. No family members are going to be addressed. Further, I am not going to use names because I don't like folks in my biz. But thank you...

1. We have been through some times. Things that would make folks cry. Things that make me cry just thinking about it. But we are still together. This is so life long. I know I can rely on you through whatever. This past summer was not a good one for me and you were the only one there with a shoulder for me to cry on. I'm not even sure anyone else knew that I was hurting like you did. We have had our falling outs but we have grown so close. You are my best friend for life. One of these days you are going to shake those fears of yours and take over the world with me and 'special' by your side to support you like you support us.

2. My new buddy. Its funny that I knew you and never really had a conversation with you until after I was threw with Hampton. You are an extremely intelligent man. Despite your distaste for social situations, you and I are friends. I said it dammit. WE ARE FRIENDS. I'm glad to say that and I'm sure you're glad to read it (though you are probably saying something nasty to me on aim because of this). I like you almost as much as I like picking with you. You just cant move to Australia...I forbid it forever. There is no aim on deserted islands. Thanks for making me laugh at everything.

3. All summer I've tried to tell myself that I hate you. I've tried to coerce my heart into believing you actually are the scum of the earth. You aren't. You are extremely immature, self-involved, and reckless but I love you just the same. If I thought that was all there was to you this would be so much easier. But you have issues. Serious issues. Shit I cant even begin to understand even after all these years. And you keeping that mess in your head to yourself is making you more insane every minute. Maybe I pushed that insanity a little further. Just what the hell are you running from? Well, its whatever. I am supposed to try to gain from relationships that I build in life. You really taught me about unconditional love. You taught me about truly being a forgiving person. I want to thank you for that sincerely. Those changes have made me a better friend and better woman, though you will probably never see/reap the benefits. I am not going to apologize for the wrongs I've done to you. I don't ever expect you to apologize to those you've done to me. Apologies at this point would just be pointless. Irreparable damage has already been done. I wish you nothing but the best in your future. Its sad to say I'll probably never know one way or another...But things begin and things end...Life...

4. No one really knew that we were never apart. We have always been close and always will. Even your boys didn't know I was creeping (in a non-sexual way) in and out of your apartment while we were in school. Now that we are home again, things have become a lot more complicated. Yelling about whose flaws destroy 'situations' isn't helping at all. We will work it out I'm sure. We always do. We always will. You always be by my side...Even if no one else knows it...

5. The music man. I'm not sure you will even read this...But thanks for the music and dvds always. I know you probably get sick of me asking for stuff, but you come through for me so you are the GREATEST! Oh yea...And about that other stuff...

6. My newest and dearest friend from the south. In less than a year you have become more important to me than people I've known for a lifetime. I truly love and adore you so much. I knew you were special after that 'hip slapping/name signing' incident in the writing lab. So bold...How could I not appreciate that?! I was so devastated to have to leave you last year and will, I'm sure, feel those same pains when I leave homecoming. Just thinking about the day you left last spring makes me teary eyed. What makes it even more special to me is that you never once violated our friendship. You have been my true friend. And how could I not love the man who wrote me the poem...(I know you are real pressed that I said this about you...I am thinking about putting your name cause I know that would make it even better for you...I'll always be your Napoleon)...

7. My Davidson buddy. You held me down freshman year like none other and we have maintained since. You are so far away now and its so strange. I'm used to coming to your house and going to sleep (you know I'm good for sleeping). I miss those middle-the-night (my draft is due tomorrow so I cant sleep at all tonight) trips to Waffle House. So many memories. Those tattoos man...Oh and the piercings. Lol.


Okay man. I'm done. About my job when I get back on Sunday so bammas can stop asking about work. I'll see some of yall at Homecoming...Until the next time...

Are You That Somebody?

I'm good for reading a book and writing down lines from them. Not for any specific reason, but some words, strategically placed together, seem more important than others. I'm good for rereading books and finding different sentences than the first time. So, I'm rereading The Salt Eaters by Toni Cade Bambara, one of my favorite books and I read this line:

"Be good to me, bitch, cause no one else has so you take the weight."

Backdrop: A man walks by a kitchen window and sees a woman. He proceeds to grap a mop, bust out the window, and rape the woman. That line is part of what he says to her while raping her.

No, I am not going to connect this to me at all or discuss the actual rape that takes place in the scene. However, with all the recent discussions of relationships going on (specifically KMM, JMM, ARL, ELH, BDC)this line stuck out to me. Do men think this? Do people generally allow their past experiences to completely control and change the outcome of their future experiences? Should I be punished for the way the previous woman treated you? Should men be punished for the way (as Musiq would say) "Previous Cats" behaved? And does this then make it difficult for people to desire new relationships? Do people run frantic from the thought of truly loving another as more than a friend? And how do you know when it really is time to pursue a relationship instead of just chillin?

See how I left that open for comments. What do you think?

Jenn's Rules

In mock response to Keva's last post, I've decided to list rules of my own. Dont get it twisted I have, again, stolen an idea. Further, because Keva is my bestest friend in the whole wide world she and I have had conversations about this topic on many occasions. Therefore, some things will overlap. Keva and I are both very strong individuals. Keva is strongest in ways that I am not and vice versa. So here are Jennifer's versions of the Relationship Rules.

*FYI...the use of the word 'relationship' is used to describe not only dating situations, but friendships and every other connection that one person can have to another...

1. Communication is the key. Dont talk about aspects of your relationship with others and not with the person it actually concerns. Talking to friends and swallowing your issues without talking it out with your 'special' just means it will blow up later.

2. Do not lie. I know its tempting to lie because you dont want any one person to know all your business but dont do it. Just dont say anything. Do not open your lips and allow foolishness to fall out. Lying just gives the person a valid reason to shut you down.

3. Dont pimp people who dont want to be pimped. If you are a man and you have LOTS of women be honest about it. If you are a woman and get mad dudes be honest about it. Why lie? Most of the time people dont give a damn if you are messing with other people as long as they know the deal.

4. Dont assume anything about anybody. Dont assume cause a girl dresses like a slut that she IS a slut. Dont associate piercings with sexual acts. Dont call a guy a 'pimp' just because you see him talking to girls. You never really know what goes on when the lights go out. I know lots of supposed 'good girls' who are sluts. I know lots of dudes who get NO play even though mad girls talk to them in public. Get to know a person before assuming anything.

5. Deal with people who are your equal. I am not talking about "I have a degree and he doesnt" or "My parents are rich and hers are poor." I am talking about intellectual equals. Dont wife a dumb chick and expect her to want to read a book you suggested. Dont date a 'deep' (yall know i hate that word) man and expect him to care about which purse you take. Be realistic.

6. Do not try to change a person. Take the person as they are. If they want to change, then its nothing wrong with helping someone move in the right direction. However, do not make it your purpose in life to turn a weed-head into an upstanding citizen. You cant make a ho a housewife (couldnt help but to say that). People are what they are. Appreciate them for that or move on.

7. Finally, make sure you show people that you care. I dont mean you have to say 'I love you' all day every day, but make sure they understand that they are important to you. Whether its a hug or a phonecall just to check up on someone, if they are special to you, make sure they know it.

And there it is...

And on a totally disconnected note, I got a REAL job now. Finally on that Grown Woman Grind.

Random Jennifer Thoughts

1. Why do people feel like they should call me Jenn? I dont like being called Jenn. I can accept CLOSE friends and family members calling me Jenn but randoms...no. If you dont know me like that please just call me Jennifer until otherwise notified.

2. I think people misinterpreted my question in my last blog about people coming to me with relationship questions. It doesnt bother me. I dont want my friends to think they shouldnt come to me. It just boggles my mind that people take my advice for real. It makes me happy though that my friends rely on me for sound advice. I appreciate that a lot. (I love E. Hill...shes the greatest...)

3. Speaking of tight friends...how did I end up with so many? I mean I'm not trying to boost any one persons ego but my friends are so tight. I have the chillest and most reliable friends ever. I have Hill holding me down in Ohio. Erica holding me down in VA. BJ holding me down in Cali. Coney in PA. Erin in Germany. And of course, the ace Keva right here in Lanham with me (soon to be bmore :(...). Thats not even the end of the list though. Those are just the front runners. As much as I complain about stuff, let it be known I thank God that I have friends like I do cause i just dont know what I would do without yall.

4. (yet another shout out) Some people make me laugh til my face hurts. Ok...this one particular person makes me laugh til my face hurts. Considering my attitude this summer, thats a HUGE thing. I dont want anyone to think I'm disillusioned or enamored. I'm not. Yall know me better than that. But I do appreciate little things like people who make you laugh at everything. Its good to have people around like that. It makes you smile through tough times (even if the person doesnt realize they are doing that). So heres to you Dream Boo...

5. Speaking of Dream Boo...why the hell are people so damn nosey? I mean. Clearly that person knows who he is. The reason everyone doesnt know is because ITS NOT THAT SERIOUS! I have friends. Just because I use the word 'boo' doesnt mean I am 'with' someone. I call Coney "My Love". I call Joshy "Darling". They are all just friends. Fall back and mind your business. If I didnt call you "dream boo" you arent it. Stop tripping.

6. Fantasia Barrino cant read. Isnt that flat out ridiculous?! Education is so free until you are 18 (or 21 if you dont finish when you are supposed to). The Literacy Council has groups all over the 50 states as well as international orgs that help them. You can learn how to read for free. The only thing holding people back is themselves. You can make a baby but you cant even fill out the damn birth certificate! How dare you publicize it like its okay to be unable to read! And now, she will make a few more bucks because of this. Who reads to her daughter at night? Isnt it a rule that parents read to children at night before they go to sleep?! Damn people. Get your lives together!

7. Homecoming 2005. My very first homecoming as an Alumna. People keep asking...YES I will be in Hampton that weekend. Hopefully I do all that I want and be the wild Jennifer I never am but am assumed to be. Maybe I wont babysit drinks. I miss my friends. Its going to be a great weekend.

8. Lastly, in response to a comment from my previous post, Rayful Edmond was a drug dealer in the 80s. He was real big time here in the Washington Dc area. There is not a DVD out on him (not including him because he is in protective custody cause he snitched on some folks and they had to hide him) and his rise and fall. I hate to call him a Metro area celebrity, but thats what he is. I dont know if they sell the movie in other places because I know of them selling it in All Daz (something else you are unfamiliar with if you are from here) but if you see it at Blockbuster pick it up. It was great!

Thats all for me...